Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
4;00
FUCK!!!!!!!
I just can't be close... Same old story... I always hoped for more. But it's always the same story. My friends say I am a good person... The other's say they want a good person. So, what the FUCK is THE FUCKING PROBLEM!?!!?!?
It just doesn't fucking help who I am?
Lost, Useless...
I guess I'm similar to more people that I thought. That helps the battle, but doesn't fix the darkness. My cold empty friend, He's not real, but he does provide me my only comfort. How can I learn, grow, and learn to function with the rest of the world when the person that's CONSTANTLY there, in my head no less, doesn't really exist...
I'm not crazy. I don't hear voices... I just never feel relieved and the things that I have found that drive out these feelings... Derick can't take my love of VB, but if I can't enjoy it, if my TEAM can't enjoy it. What am I supposed to do... Happy when we lose, pissed when we win...
I do get JEALOUS, ENVIOUS, I want rage when I have those feelings, but I ask myself what am I jealous of? The experiences that I don't desire in the first place... I don't like drama, why would I sleep around and cause it? Do I wish I could have sex and hook up to say I've done it? YES...
When I need people the most, it's hard to find them there for me... To many material possession, materialistic lives...
I've said a lot of stuff in my blog over the years...
There's just so much and it goes on and on... It hurts... in my head.. constant. I wish i could be understood. If that's not possible, I just wish I could be held and comforted without being judged...
Fag(no homo), Mixed, Tall, Volleyball, Cello, know it all, unattainable, rich, just a good friend. I'm supposedly good at some of these things, yet that doesn't make me feel better.
It's wrong of me to be so selfish... I have to think about how others have problems. My help will come in death. That's a fucking lifetime.
Fucked at 4 AM
I just can't be close... Same old story... I always hoped for more. But it's always the same story. My friends say I am a good person... The other's say they want a good person. So, what the FUCK is THE FUCKING PROBLEM!?!!?!?
It just doesn't fucking help who I am?
Lost, Useless...
I guess I'm similar to more people that I thought. That helps the battle, but doesn't fix the darkness. My cold empty friend, He's not real, but he does provide me my only comfort. How can I learn, grow, and learn to function with the rest of the world when the person that's CONSTANTLY there, in my head no less, doesn't really exist...
I'm not crazy. I don't hear voices... I just never feel relieved and the things that I have found that drive out these feelings... Derick can't take my love of VB, but if I can't enjoy it, if my TEAM can't enjoy it. What am I supposed to do... Happy when we lose, pissed when we win...
I do get JEALOUS, ENVIOUS, I want rage when I have those feelings, but I ask myself what am I jealous of? The experiences that I don't desire in the first place... I don't like drama, why would I sleep around and cause it? Do I wish I could have sex and hook up to say I've done it? YES...
When I need people the most, it's hard to find them there for me... To many material possession, materialistic lives...
I've said a lot of stuff in my blog over the years...
There's just so much and it goes on and on... It hurts... in my head.. constant. I wish i could be understood. If that's not possible, I just wish I could be held and comforted without being judged...
Fag(no homo), Mixed, Tall, Volleyball, Cello, know it all, unattainable, rich, just a good friend. I'm supposedly good at some of these things, yet that doesn't make me feel better.
It's wrong of me to be so selfish... I have to think about how others have problems. My help will come in death. That's a fucking lifetime.
Fucked at 4 AM
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Crowded Room
This blows.... You know the song...
Jack's Mannequin is so fitting. Dark Blue
Girl's are all the same... They say what they need, but still only go for what they want. I can't be what they want. I'm closed off, difficult to attain, even harder to talk to... Nobody sees that all I want is to talk.
I'm sorry. I constantly fight my prejudice... I don't like to be judged, why would I judge. Enough people judge me already. Mixed, bi, tall, etc. The list just goes on... Nothing is good enough for anyone... Acceptance is what I seek. I can't be accepted without conforming. If I conform I must judge. I will judge. Let them cast their stones... I deserve the punishment and the death.
Not good enough.
Jack's Mannequin is so fitting. Dark Blue
Girl's are all the same... They say what they need, but still only go for what they want. I can't be what they want. I'm closed off, difficult to attain, even harder to talk to... Nobody sees that all I want is to talk.
I'm sorry. I constantly fight my prejudice... I don't like to be judged, why would I judge. Enough people judge me already. Mixed, bi, tall, etc. The list just goes on... Nothing is good enough for anyone... Acceptance is what I seek. I can't be accepted without conforming. If I conform I must judge. I will judge. Let them cast their stones... I deserve the punishment and the death.
Not good enough.
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