FUCK!!!!!!!
I just can't be close... Same old story... I always hoped for more. But it's always the same story. My friends say I am a good person... The other's say they want a good person. So, what the FUCK is THE FUCKING PROBLEM!?!!?!?
It just doesn't fucking help who I am?
Lost, Useless...
I guess I'm similar to more people that I thought. That helps the battle, but doesn't fix the darkness. My cold empty friend, He's not real, but he does provide me my only comfort. How can I learn, grow, and learn to function with the rest of the world when the person that's CONSTANTLY there, in my head no less, doesn't really exist...
I'm not crazy. I don't hear voices... I just never feel relieved and the things that I have found that drive out these feelings... Derick can't take my love of VB, but if I can't enjoy it, if my TEAM can't enjoy it. What am I supposed to do... Happy when we lose, pissed when we win...
I do get JEALOUS, ENVIOUS, I want rage when I have those feelings, but I ask myself what am I jealous of? The experiences that I don't desire in the first place... I don't like drama, why would I sleep around and cause it? Do I wish I could have sex and hook up to say I've done it? YES...
When I need people the most, it's hard to find them there for me... To many material possession, materialistic lives...
I've said a lot of stuff in my blog over the years...
There's just so much and it goes on and on... It hurts... in my head.. constant. I wish i could be understood. If that's not possible, I just wish I could be held and comforted without being judged...
Fag(no homo), Mixed, Tall, Volleyball, Cello, know it all, unattainable, rich, just a good friend. I'm supposedly good at some of these things, yet that doesn't make me feel better.
It's wrong of me to be so selfish... I have to think about how others have problems. My help will come in death. That's a fucking lifetime.
Fucked at 4 AM
